Bhai's Diary

The last few days here have passed in a haze. I wanted to spend these days taking pictures and hanging out with friends, but I feel suddenly that I am not interested in pictures. I have developed a sort of disinterest with New York city. The East Village bars and boutiques, which held a fascination for oh-so-long are suddenly not that interesting. Perhaps that is a clear indication that my time here has run out - it is time for something new.

Yet, getting home is only a small step in terms of what lies ahead. A job search, settling down, definining relationships, accepting some and distancing myself from others - I do not know what lies in store, and how much responsibility will come upon me, and at what speed.

Nevertheless, I am gonna try taking one step at a time. A week later, I might have to think about the next two years. But for the next three days, I am going to concentrate on the meals on the flight and some bollywood movies while I fly.

Anyway, at this moment of happiness, I realize that there are close friends who are blissfully unaware about the torment I have been facing. It is time now, then, to embrace those friends and tell them that so long, I had been neck deep in shit.

But now I am okay.

And there were those friends who stood by me in my darkest hours - who I confided with (mainly due to proximity, chance and a little bit of instigation), and who have helped me slay the dragon and claim my destiny. It is to these folks that I raise my glass and pledge a toast - of appreciation and happiness. Thank you, dear friends.

Thank you Pavan, for all the times you took care of me, advised me, spent money on me and encouraged me when I needed encouragement. You are one of the few friends I made here, who I will cherish and hold on to for ever.

Thank you Jasleen for being the quiet support, saying nothing, almost invisible, but available whenever the moments required it. Thank you for never making me feel embarrassed. And providing that home away from home. I wouldn't have been here without you, and I am holding on to you in the journey ahead.

Thank you Tajpreet, for all the thoughtful calls, the patient listening after a bad performance or a good score. Thank you for taking your time out, despite the shackles of your own work schedule. You are my little doll, and my pillar of strength. I get strength just watching you struggle day after day.

Thank you Gaurav Rinwa, for a timely help, when I had no other alternative.

Thank you Rahul Bhansali, for not thinking too long when I gave you a call.

Thank you Sadir Hussain, for some timely help with coding. Java was never my particular forte.

Thank you mom, for listening. And taking the truth so well. Thank you for believing in me when it was hard for me to believe in myself. And thank you for saying that if I hadn't done it now, you would have still stuck on and supported. Most of all, thank you for loving me.

Thank you dad, for all the money you have spent. And all the times you sent me yet another large bundle of cash. Thank you for never showing me your disappointment, yet I am certain that is how you felt a lot of the time. I will make it up to you Baba, if it is the last thing I ever do. I promise.

And thank you, my dear dark lady. My hope. This victory is as much yours as it is mine. Words will not do justice to the gratitude I feel for your constant presence. You always gave me the benefit of doubt and trusted me. I am eternally grateful.

And thank you Allah(swt), for coming to my support. The result was not an easy one. And despite all my effort, I was sure the odds were against me. I needed a miracle to pull me through this one. And yet, I came through victorious. I suspect it was your doing. And I thank you for it.

Done with my shower full of thanks, let me now bask in my pocketful of happiness.

Have a nice day, ya'all. Coz, I'm certainly gonna :)

Answer: I don't know, but I realized today, out of the blue, that perhaps everybody who is no longer a part of my life probably has a good reason to not be here. Well, it leads to some amount of introspection. And another pertinent question.

What do I do to keep those who are?

"Outside the rain fell dark and slow,

While I pondered on,

A dangerous but irresistible pass time. "

- Pink Floyd

But I feel restless. I am unable to sit in one place. I am unable to concentrate. It is the same feeling I usually have before a final exam. My head is strangely devoid of any clear thoughts. 

Some relationships seem to be the sort that hit off instantly, not requiring too much of dwelving into. Male-male friendship for instance, is quite uncomplicated. Men always seem to know what other men said or meant. Things are seldom misinterpreted.

And even when there is the occasional tiff, slates are usually wiped clean with a single heart-to-heart talk, leaving things alright for the next couple of years. Of course, there is the occasional male-male friendship that travels down the dark path (as I myself have witnessed). But it doesn't matter, really. Because when it comes to male friendship, we either have that spark of understanding with a friend (which we accept nonchalantly), or we see strong(thick?)headedness that makes us distance ourselves, taking comfortable (albeit a little distant) stances, and accepting the friend (or his friendship) for what it really is.

Male-Female relationships on the other hand is an altogether different story. 

For one, misunderstandings run deep, and are held with a stronger reservation than one would with a friend. For another, it is almost impossible to let go - we cling to the person, because these are matters of the heart - no nonchalance in it. We each have our points and misgivings, which we are unable to portray or explain and what it eventually leads to is utter futility. Inability to express finally leads to the most woeful of relationship fuckeries. A communication breakdown. 

A communication breakdown can cause two effects. One, it erupts into this huge irrational fight where blame games are played, old issues dragged up,  minds are fucked with, silences are made, and eventually, when things seem to be spiralling out of control, one of the two makes this desperate pathetic attempt to fix everything by saying something insanely out of the blue. Maybe an out of the way declaration of love, which is alright, when said in the right circumstances, but not this way. Well the words work anyway, things are lovey-dovey again, and the issue is swept under the carpet of after-fight-romance (or after-fight-sex if you are lucky). Such breakdowns over a larger period of time, culminate to a point where there have been one too many and that leads to the second effect. 

The second effect is a sudden realization that one is often not understood. There is no clarity of thought in a relationship. Instead it is guided by crazy impulses and is flimsy enough to be fucked up with even the smallest of outside interferences - maybe the harmless words of a friend , or the deliberate insults of a foe. That leads to the realization that this relationship is not as strong as it ought to have been. Working such a relationship is going to be tough. After a few weeks/months/years of communication breakdown, we finally end with a relationship breakup.

Unfortunately, in most situations, communication breakdown seems to be the rule, rather than the exception. Facing my share of issues from time to time, I have tried to jot down what I feel could be a successful relationship. Needless to say, it requires work from both sides. 

Here it is, then.

Trust is foremost. Knowing what the other person truly is, becomes the most pertinent factor in any relationship. Despite our quest and righteous claims of being fervent propagators of "Honesty", it is necessary to dwelve within ourselves, and see that truth often, is easy to smudge. It is necessary to understand that as humans, what we must look for, is the truth in a person's character, and not necessarily in every word out of the person's mouth. A general demeanour of truth should be the criteria - a requirement of absolute truth can be dangerous. It is often more difficult and larger than what any partner is able to give or take. 

It is necessary, I believe to know what the partner holds most strongly as his/her beliefs. These first boundaries must be broken as seldom as possible. An understanding of each other's most basic rules becomes a pertinent factor in any relationship. Having said that, one's rules must be flexible enough to see the basic goodness in a person and letting go of ones anger atleast when necessary. 

Having mentioned anger, I must return to it. Anger has a way of bouncing back between people, specially when apologies are not accepted. One's anger shouldn't be irrational enough to not acknowledge when an effort is being made. Nothing destroys a relationship like unfound anger - specially the vindictive kind that leads into a reclusive exit - the recipe for communication breakdown.

Lastly, despite all the discomfort of breaking the boundaries of a communication breakdown, one must attempt to make contact and communicate. Misgivings and points of view will never be understood unless they are stated explicity. If you are unable to explain why you are pissed, it means you do not want to solve it. And trust me, it will never be solved. 

Relationships are not based on telepathy. They are based on communication. And despite all contempt for the creative concotions of the mind, relationships are based on words that convey what you feel or mean. 

Words. That's all we really have. And yet, they are so powerful that without them relationships stand no chance. So use them, dear one. Don't let silence muddle and confuse your relationship. 

It really kills me that I don't seem to be experiencing the sort of depression or sadness that I see all around me. 

Till date, I have never really been unhappy in my life. I mentioned this fact to some people in their early thirties, and they commented that it was a really amazing thing. The only reason I mentioned it to them, was because I had been wondering if this stage of "happiness" is something I will outgrow. It occured to me, when they responded, that these people seemed to experience a large share of sadness.

Which only meant that I was a little weird. 

I see other people in their mid twenties, who are more well off that me, more in control of their lives, and heading towards a surer success. And it surprises me that they are all sad. Or bored. Or depressed. 

I, on the other hand, seem to be happy without reason or rhyme. And that's not a good thing at all. What it really means, is that I am disconnected from everything and everyone else around me. I can seek pleasures (and happiness) in the smallest and stupidest of things, without appreciating the brevity of any situation.  Consecutively, the happiness I usually seek, seems to be perfunctory, and merely of the moment. 

Perhaps what I really need, is an awareness of sadness - a slice of reality. Maybe that will help me work towards real happiness. If such a thing does exist.

Or maybe I should just be happy.